It Keeps Getting Better and Better...

Y'all, the Duke of Cruel Irony has been working overtime in my life today! All throughout the day today, Austrie and I continually had to put our eyes back into our head as they bugged out over one ridiculous incident after another. Prepare yourselves, for what you're about to read happens to most people over the course of several months, not hours. Are you sitting down? You sure? Have you buckled your seat belt? Ok. Here we go...

It all started at the ungodly hour of 5 a.m. Yes, you read that correctly. A.M., as in before the rooster is even crowing. I blearily stumbled into the doors of the gym, glasses haphazardly hanging on my face as I pulled my hoodie over my head and began a short warm up before my circuit training. There are pros and cons to working out so early in the morning, but one of the great perks is that typically I have the entire gym to myself. Translation: no waiting for slow pokes to get off machines, I always get my favorite treadmill or bike, and I never have to fight for the dumbbells. Today, however, the Sultan of Satire sent my ex's twin to the gym at the exact same time. Now, to some of you, this may seem like a big so what? kind of moment. I ask you, dear reader, to place yourself in my shoes for a moment: There you stand, drenched in sweat like some kind of sumo-wrestler that just got done with the all-you-can-eat-hot-dog-challenge, morning breath that was the inspiration behind the title The Desolation of Smaug, and looking like you're missing your prairie bonnet because your soaked hair has begun curling all around your ears. Now, before you run away shrieking, add upon this already nightmare of a role-play running dead-on into someone who looks exactly like the love of your life who doesn't love you anymore. Are you rocking in the fetal position yet? Perfect. So you can imagine my horror when this exact scenario happened to me this morning, made exponentially more awkward by the dead-lock stare of 12 seconds because I felt like I'd been punched in the gut with the visual shock. Needless to say, high levels of comfort were demolished, throats were cleared, and a speedy exit was made. You would think the Fates would cut a girl some slack after watching such a dismally pathetic display of social grace, but I think instead they rolled out the popcorn machine and called some friends. In just a few short hours, I had an email from my stake president informing me that my mother had importuned him on my behalf for a date. My mother. She might as well saved herself the time it took to type the email and just sent me a paper bag to put over my head, all for the price of .45 cents! As I walked from devotional to class, still laughing over the events of the day, my date from the previous week walked right by me, made eye contact, and then, with less couth than a cockroach, quickened his stride to five steps for my every one. I couldn't stop the laughter, and literally looked heavenward, exclaiming,"It just keeps getting better and better!" all the while, supporting Austrie from the laughing attack that almost left her crippled on the gym floor. But the day wasn't quite done yet; I know: you can't imagine what else could have happened after such an epic amount of opposite sex failures, but don't worry, the universe saved it's piece de resistance for the very end. Around five pm, my phone rang, with a woman on the other end, who excitedly exclaimed,"Corinne, I have a young man in my office who is looking for something to do tonight, and I told him I know a nice girl!" Hold the phone please. Let me look in the mirror to see if I have a sign that says "I'm now a placeholder for bored males at the last minute." Hmmmm.... (looking in the mirror) nope. Don't see the sign. You might want to check Tinder though-I hear there's lots of shallow waters there.

In the words of one red-head,"It's UNCANNY!"